


✧ Touch ✧

by icecreamscoupss



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-06-22 12:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamscoupss/pseuds/icecreamscoupss
Summary: Jihoon had stopped feeling anything the same time his body had. Maybe Seungcheol would be the one to finally change that.





	1. One

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._

Jihoon’s staring match with the clock did nothing to make time move forward faster if anything it seemed that the clock’s hands ticked even slower just to spite him. Time had never felt like it was moving at snail speed more than it did today. It annoyed Jihoon to no end.Rather than listen to his music theory teacher drone on and on about the building blocks of music, which Jihoon had already learned about long ago, he desperately wished that the bell would freaking ring already so that he may be granted his freedom.

Today was a special day, one that came with a guarantee that he could be together with his family without there being any ridiculous work schedule to maneuver around or any possibility of him getting home to an apology note and an empty house. Generally, his parents were very absent.Work had always become a priority for them, it came with long hours, packed schedules, multiple business trips, and more often than not it left Jihoon at home or with a friend for extended periods of time.

It wasn’t that Jihoon’s parents didn’t love him and want to choose him over work, it just so happened that as musicians his parents weren’t granted as much freedom of choice as they wanted.

Because of that, they allowed Jihoon to pick one special day out of the year for them to be together and the focus would be on spending quality family time together. A day where they finally put Jihoon first.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._

Jihoon found a balloon tied to the slats of his locker as he approached after the sixth-period bell had rung. It was a red balloon with a polaroid picture attached to the bottom of the string. The picture showed a boy smiling brightly despite the blatant evidence he’d had rice for lunch sticking to both corners of his mouth.

Jihoon easily recognizes the boy in the photo to be Seungkwan, and he distinctly remembers this day to be the first day that the boy had eaten with them for lunch after finally becoming a freshman. When Jihoon turns the photo over he notices the words written on it were also the first words Seungkwan said to him which were “Rice to meet you hyung! **COME EAT WITH ME.** ” The last part of it was written differently from the rest, it was in all caps and bold. Jihoon wasn’t certain but he assumed that it was a clue. Which meant that there were more things waiting for him to find along the way.

Jihoon shook his head fondly before he pocket the picture, tied the balloon to his wrist, and made his way towards the cafeteria where the photo had been taken.

Floating above their usual lunch table is an orange balloon anchored by another polaroid picture, this time it’s a picture of Jihoon peacefully sleeping against a tree in the courtyard.

He remembered this day fairly well because he’d been especially tired after pulling an all-nighter to work on composing for his upcoming competition and so he'd decided to take a quick nap in the shade of his favorite tree. He had been awoken mere moments later by the clicking sound of a camera only to come face to face with a rather unashamed Minghao. Who’d shrugged and simply said: “I honestly didn’t think you’d wake up.” Those words were unsurprisingly printed on the back of the polaroid picture just like with the first one.

Jihoon concluded his friends had indeed concocted some sort of scavenger hunt down memory lane, which meant his next clue awaited him in the courtyard.

The next one is yellow and its tied to the lowest hanging branch on Jihoon’s tree in the courtyard just like he thought it would be. The picture attached is one taken in the campus library, in the picture Jihoon’s cheeks are red and puffed in a clear sign of annoyance while Wonwoo just smiles down at him.

Jihoon had been trying to reach a book located on the top shelf but his small stature made it nearly impossible even when he’d extended fully on his tiptoes. He hadn't felt like going to get a stool either so his brilliant idea had been to use the other shelves as steps to reach his book. It hadn't worked out well at all. He caused a bit of a book avalanche and ended up on the floor surrounded by just about every other book on the shelf except the one he needed.

Then out of nowhere, a hand had plucked the book he’d been desperately trying to reach right off the shelf. Wonwoo had handed it to him with a smile and a small smirk “It was getting hard to watch you struggle so much.”

Jihoon thanked the heavens that the library was basically deserted and that no one had witnessed him struggle to walk in as the three colorful balloons tied to his wrist got stuck in the door. Once he’d solved the balloon door problem he made his way through the library to the music section where a green balloon was waiting for him. The attached photo was a remake of the first time he’d ever met Joshua.

It had been early in Jihoon’s freshman year during lunch when Jihoon had slipped into what he thought was an empty classroom in an attempt to find somewhere quiet to continue writing one of his literary essays. Instead of the dark abandoned classroom he’d been hoping for, he’d found a room lit up like the night sky by a projection lamp and a boy laying down on one of the tables staring up at the ceiling.

When the door’s lock had loudly clicked, the boy with soft brown locks turned his attention to Jihoon sitting up and said in a warm tone “Care to stargaze with me?” The picture showed Joshua's hand outstretched towards the camera, his smile even brighter than the stars that lit up the room around him. It was probably one of Jihoon's favorite memories that he had of his hyung.

In the astrology classroom, the next balloon clue waited for Jihoon, this time royal blue in color with a polaroid of his longtime best friend (his words not Jihoon’s) attached to it.

The picture hadn’t technically been of their official first meeting, but rather of the first time they’d held a conversation for more than three minutes that wasn’t fully one-sided. He’d run into him in one of the spare practice rooms located usually reserved for students studying dance, but that day Jihoon was supposed to be attending a dance class his parents had signed him up for.

He’d walked in on Soonyoung intensely practicing the  steps of some rather fast-paced choreography. He looked so serious and focused, Jihoon could even see the fire blazing in his eyes as he went through those steps without stumbling even once. He had never once seen Soonyoun like this, so used to seeing him goofing around or fighting for Jihoon's attention. Jihoon was in awe.

Upon the completion of said choreography, Soonyoung had then in a move of pure unsophistication flopped onto his back limbs spread wide like a starfish. Jihoon who’d been watching the performance in silence up until this point had immediately released a little noise and rolled his eyes at Soonyoung’s display of dramatics. It had been loud enough to draw Soonyoung’s attention and when their eyes locked in the wall mirror, Soonyoung sat straight up with a cry of “Jihoonie?”

Even the memory of the confused look on that idiot’s face was enough to make Jihoon chuckle a bit as he swung open the practice room door in search of the other clue. Tapped to the part of the wall mirror was a purple balloon that came with a polaroid of Jihoon and all his friends rather than just one of them.

It was a picture that Seungkwan had insisted upon taking when they were all scattered across one of the music rooms on one fine afternoon. Jihoon had been practicing a new piece when the rest of them had slowly trickled in one by one and sat around listening to Jihoon in comfortable silence for a while, until Seungkwan had suddenly told everyone to crowd around the piano and “Say cheese!”

Standing outside their private music room Jihoon heared the not so hushed whispering of his friends as they finished the final touches on his little surprise, which he might add was not a surprise at all considering Soonyoung had never been able to keep a secret in his life.

"Are we going to finish in time?" Jihoon heard Minghao ask.

“Depends, how long do you think it’ll take Jihoon-hyung to get here?” a voice clearly belonging to Seungkwan countered.

“We'll be fine guys. He should be here in a couple of minutes if, that is if he didn’t ignore the first balloon and go home.” Soonyoung replied.

“Good thing we didn’t put your picture first then, he would’ve ignored it for sure then.” Wonwoo’s deep voice piped in earning a small chorus of laughs from everyone but Soonyoung who made a noise of protest.

Jihoon imagined the exaggerated pout that Soonyoung had no doubt put on his face by now. He rolled his slightly, he’d figured it was about time that he made his presence known, so he jiggled the door handle slightly, laughing a little at the frantic whispers and overall sounds of panic rushing now coming from behind the door.

Jihoon had barely gotten one foot into the room before he’s assaulted by confetti and streamers raining down on him, and a chorus of “Surprise! Happy birthday!” being shouted by his five best friends. 

He couldn’t help the dumb smile that graced his face as he looked around the room taking in all that his friends did for him. There was a large banner that read 'Happy 16th Birthday Jihoon!' tacked to the back of the wall matching ball with two bunches of balloons one on either of the banner's end. 

The same colored balloons that were tied to his wrist filled the rest of the room and occasionally Jihoon would spot one with a unique birthday design on it floating around. Fairy lights were now hung all the way around the small space illuminating the room in a rather soft calming glow. The small piano in the center was even lined with the same lights with multiple polaroid pictures clipped onto each string of lights going all the way around the instrument.

“Wow, I completely had no idea you guys were throwing me a party. None whatsoever. I’m truly in shock.” Jihoon said dramatically walking towards the group gathered near the piano. He watched them as one by one they turned their accusatory gazes onto Soonyoung who scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“At this point, I don’t even know why we tell Soonyoung hyung anything. He’s such a blabbermouth.” Minghao shook his head with an exasperated sigh as the rest all nodded in agreement.

“Here Jihoonie hyung, make a wish before Soonyoung hyung spoils that too.” Seungkwan held out a plate with chocolate cupcakes topped with equally chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles, with one lit candle speared through the one in the center.

Jihoon moved towards him, closing his eyes and making a wish before he quickly blew out the candle. Taking the candle-topped cupcake off the plate he beings to eat it, his friends followed suit each taking their own mountain of chocolate goodness. When there was nothing but crumbs left, his friends decided it was time to open the presents.

“Sorry there’s only one present Jihoonie, but it’s from all of us.” Joshua passed a white gift box wrapped with a red ribbon over to him as the rest of them discarded their cupcake remains and all gathered to watch the unboxing. 

Slowly Jihoon untied the ribbon surrounding the box and lifted the lid off peering inside at the tissue paper on top. Moving aside the tissue paper, he picked up the first object he can see which happened to be a square envelope filled with polaroid picture pictures of their memories together as friends.

Underneath the envelope, a small black leather-bound notebook is revealed with his name inscribed on the cover. The remaining object made Jihoon quirk a confused eyebrow as he removed the red panda plush toy with cute black button eyes from the box.

“I thought that you might like to have someone or something to keep you company when you lock yourself away in that cave you call a room to work on music. What better companion than a someone that looks just like you albeit slightly cuter.” Soonyoung snickered a bit as Jihoon scowled at him ignoring the laughter coming from the others.

"The journal was my idea but Joshua hyung helped me to pick it out.” Wonwoo gestured to Joshua who simply smiled. "The one you currently have is nearly full and I figured you could use a new one to write your songs in. I hope you like it hyung." 

“The photos are just some of the many that I’ve taken of us over the years, much like the other ones you found. There are also just some random shots of different things I took, I thought you might like to have some memories of us as well as some potential inspiration for your work.” Minghao said softly as he lifted up his camera and snapped another quick shot of Jihoon.

“I took care of planning the entire party for you. I know how much you prefer to keep things simple so I tried my best to keep the party that way. We all also baked your favorite cupcakes with a little bit of Mingyu hyung’s magical help.” Seungkwan chimed in. They had done a great job keeping it simple while also managing to replicate his all-time favorite cupcake flawlessly.

“Everyone pitched in to help celebrate your special day here because we know that once the final bell rings we won’t be seeing much of you. Hope you liked it all Jihoon. Happy Birthday!” Joshua said once again everyone else echoing the same sentiment.

"Thank you guys so much." Every single thing was such a thoughtful and sweet gift from his friends that Jihoon couldn’t help but smile. They truly were his best friends. “This is exactly what I wanted.” 

Once Jihoon had returned everything back to its original place in the box they swept him up into a big group hug. Jihoon’s face was firmly planted into Soonyoung’s chest as the dancer latched onto him like an octopus not missing the opportunity to exploit Jihoon’s surprise in order to express his affection. Joshua hugged him from the back, Wonwoo and Seungkwan joining the hug from the sides. A very hesitant Minghao, who despised displays of affection like this as much as Jihoon did, is yanked into the center by a forceful Seungkwan.

Jihoon and Minghao groaned in sync with each other when Seungkwan started jumping up and down forcing the entire group to shift along with him. They end up a tangled mess on the floor smiling and laughing like idiots at each other, mostly at Soonyoung who’d fallen backward tripping over his untied shoelace taking them all down with him.

 “Our Jihoonie is growing up so fast, and you’ll be all grown up and famous before we know it.” The group had finally managed to stop laughing at Soonyoung giving Joshua the chance to speak again. “You’ll forget all about your hyung. What am I going to do?” Joshua sniffled dramatically putting his hand on his cheek his face as he pouted.

“You could start by not hanging around Jeonghan hyung as much. His theatre kid dramatics are rubbing off on you.” Jihoon moved himself from out between Soonyoung and Joshua to stand up and look down at his hyung pouting like a child.

“Am I not allowed to be sad about my favorite child growing up? How cruel Jihoonie.”

“Hyung, you’re literally only a year older than me. I’m not a child you drama queen.”

“Besides, Jihoon hyung couldn’t forget you or any of us if he tried. Soonyoung hyung wouldn’t ever let him. He’s usually so busy trying to get Jihoon hyung’s attention I seriously wonder how he manages to pencil in time for his studies. Honestly, I’m surprised he hasn’t skipped dance class for it altogether.” Seungkwan said smirk evident in both his voice and facial features.

“That was one time!” Soonyoung threw his hands up in defeat glaring at the rest of the group as they laughed at him once more. “I thought this was a birthday party not a ‘pick on Soonyoung party.”

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._

The walk home in silence was rather odd to Jihoon who was normally surrounded by the buzzing chatter of his friends. It was kind of refreshing though, walking in the crisp autumn air watching as colored leaves fell from the trees as the soft twinkle of piano played through his headphones. He loved his friends dearly but he loved being able to hear himself think far more.

After he crossed the street, he made his way down another block or so before turning right his house now visible in the distance. He wondered what exactly he would find when he crossed through the threshold of his home. Maybe he’d find disappointment and his parents had finally broken their promise to him. They could’ve forgotten all together actually and this time they’d just treat it like any other family day. Or maybe, just maybe, they remembered it was his birthday and had planned something special for him like his friends had.

Grabbing the mail out of the mailbox first, he made his way up the driveway the sound of gravel crunching under his sneakers echoing. Walking into the house nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for the fact that he could tell his parents were actually home for once as he could hear them in the kitchen. He set the mail down on the table in the entryway, toeing off his sneakers before he made his way swiftly up the stairs to deposit his school bag in his room.  

When Jihoon walked into the kitchen, his mom had her back turned to him chopping away at some vegetables on the cutting board and his father was right next to her scooping something that Jihoon upon further inspection realized was rice into a bowl. It seemed that they were making kimchi fried rice for dinner which happened to be Jihoon’s favorite comfort food that his mom would make for him whenever he felt down as a young child.

“Oh Jihoon, I didn’t even hear you come in? When did you get home?” His mom had finally turned around to move the vegetables from the cutting board to drop them in the pan waiting on the stove. She had caught his dad’s attention as well and when he turned around to place the bowl of fresh rice down by the stove he simply smiled at Jihoon in greeting. “How was school? Get anything from your friends for your birthday?”

“That’s because I only got home a few minutes ago. School was like usual I suppose except for the scavenger hunt my friends sent me on while they set up a not so secret party for me but it was pretty nice. They even bought me a personal leather lyric notebook.”

“That sounds very nice indeed be sure you thank them and their parents as well. We are making your favorite, kimchi fried rice, it should be done pretty soon. Could you do me a favor and set the table?”

He nodded walking towards the kitchen cabinet to grab out three matching cups. The table was already relatively clear save for the sheet music his dad had obviously been going over before they’d begun dinner. Moving the pages to a safer place on a nearby counter, he set the table fairly quickly walking back to grab napkins, chopsticks, and the pitcher of water before sitting in his spot at the table to wait. His dad did the same after being shooed out of the kitchen by the looming threat of being smacked by a spatula.

“I saw the music sheets, how’s the new arrangement coming along?” Jihoon asked his dad in between sips of his water. There were a few moments of silence where his dad mulled the question over in his head before responding.

“It’s better than expected but not quite there yet. There’s still a lot more to do but the overall melody sounds pretty smooth not as choppy as I believed it to be.”

“Oh, that’s awesome, I know you were worried about that earlier. Glad you got it fixed. Not that you and mom have ever played anything that wasn’t beyond amazing.” 

"How are piano lessons going? Having any trouble with composing?" 

"Not in the slightest. It seems that I inherited your gift for piano playing and composing after all. My teacher says I've advanced faster than any other student he's taught yet and that there is basically nothing left to teach me."

"Good. I honestly expected nothing less from my son. A natural born prodigy shouldn't be having any trouble so I'm glad you're not." 

This time a rather long stretch of awkward silence followed after those words left Jihoon’s mouth. It was partly due to the lack places that conversation could go that they hadn’t already covered but it was mainly due to how not close the two truly were they were practically strangers to each other. Though they both played the piano as their instrument of choice his father hadn’t searched for much else to connect to Jihoon with, focusing all his energy on the piano and helping Jihoon master the keys.

Thankfully his mom walked over with three steaming bowls of kimchi fried rice topped with a freshly fried egg on top dissolving the rather awkward tension. They ate dinner with bits of conversation here and there ranging from interesting things his mother’s two young violin students did today to Jihoon giving the full explanation on how the scavenger hunt surprise party was truly set up.

When they’d all finished eating his dad offered to wash dishes before they ate desert which happened to also be chocolate cake but honestly Jihoon could never get enough. They all ate their cake slices on the living room couch together, occasionally laughing at the comedy playing on the television as a character did something stupid.

Once all the birthday treats had been consumed and he’d opened the card from is parents containing a crisp fifty dollar bill in it they parted their separate way, his mom pulling him off towards one of the spare rooms while his dad returned to his office.

“Now Jihoonie, your dad isn’t really aware of what’s behind this door. In fact, he was even against me spending this much money for you but you’re my only son and I’d do anything for you even tell a few white lies to keep this a secret from your father. Before I show you what’s in here you have to promise to do the same. Okay?” She held out her pinky and Jihoon gladly wrapped his pinky around her outstretched one without any hesitation whatsoever signing the contract to keep their secret a secret. She smiled at him, asking that he close his eyes to really get the full surprise effect. Doing exactly as asked he closes his eyes and waits. He can hear the door being unlocked and the knob turning slowly before he feels her gentle touch on his arm as he is guided into the room.

“On the count of three, I want you to open your eyes. One! Two! Three!”

Jihoon had imagined he’d see a lot of different things when he opened his eyes. He thought he might find a new animal companion or maybe he’d be given a motorcycle. Maybe she'd bought Jihoon some new electronics, like a new laptop or even a new audio mixer for when he produced his other songs. Every one of those was a thing that his father hadn’t thought were worth the hassle and had practically banned from ever entering the house. They all also were objects that his mother could’ve snuck in the house with ease.

Instead what he sees is a glossy freshly polished grand piano, the same one he’d been talking about owning for years. The one he'd seen in a classical music catalog and had taped to his wall as motivation. He'd always hoped that he'd own it. He just never imagined it'd be so soon.

Running his hand over the smooth top he still couldn’t believe she had actually bought this for him, that she remembered how desperately he wanted it and now it was his. Most of all he couldn’t truly fathom how she had managed to sneak it into the house without both him and his father finding out. She truly was an amazing woman.

“Mom...how did you?…when did you?...” he trailed off eyes fixed on the piano’s glossy keys.

“Every mom has her ways.” She winked at him moving to sit beside him on the piano’s bench which Jihoon didn't even remember sitting down at. “Now what do you say you play something for me Jihoonie. It’s been a long while since I’ve sung for you.”

“You want me to play?” he asked looking up at her smiling face as she nods at him. “What even would I play? I don’t know anything that you could sing to, my piano playing isn’t meant for duets.”

“What about the lullaby I used to sing for you when you were a child? Do you remember it?

“The one from that American children’s movie about the boy in the jungle? Of course, I remember it, that was my favorite movie as a child. You used to sing me to sleep with that song every night until I turned six.”

“Yes, that’s the one. Play it for me if you can.”

His fingers glided easily across the keys stumbling a bit only at the start but quickly they found their rhythm recreating the soothing melody of his childhood lullaby. His mother began to sing along and she sounded as heavenly as he remembered. Her voice has always been light and smooth overall a very pleasant sound to one’s ears. When she sang, her voice became angelic much lighter than her speaking voice. Countless people praised her when she sings, wondering why she chose to become a violinist rather than a ballad singer.

Jihoon had always been grateful she never did though because he alone got the privilege to hear her sing. Her voice to Jihoon sounded different than it does to others, to him she sounded like a rainy day wrapped up in the fluffiest blankets drinking hot cocoa. She sounded like comforting hugs, pillow forts, and gentle smiles. But most of all, she sounded like home. Closing his eyes, he allowed himself to get lost in the moment in the hope he might be able to capture this feeling and keep it with him forever.

The next press on a key brought with it a rough cracking sound and his mother’s voice stopped. The room went completely silent. His eyes shoot open. He watched as the whole room slowly morphed, the walls melted away piano vanishing beneath him and suddenly he’s lying face down on asphalt. It’s cold and there is so much broken glass. Why is there glass? Where was his mom? Why was there so much blood?

He tried to lift himself up from off the asphalt where he laid face down in a pool of blood, but every time he tried to move there was a shooting pain that ran through his body. His ears were ringing and he felt like he was on fire. As carefully as he could manage without jostling the rest of his body, he managed to turn his head enough to the opposite side where he spotted someone’s legs a few feet away.

His eyes worked their way up the figure, which seemed to not be doing much breathing and then his eyes finally landed on the person’s face. His blood ran cold. It was his mother. Despite the fact that her bloody matted hair had partially covered her face he could still see her eyes as they were open and staring his direction. They were different then he remembered, they were glassy and unmoving like the rest of her. She was completely still…. far too still….in fact, she wasn’t moving.

“Mom?”  She didn’t move at all, not even her eyes. They stayed glazed over and frozen in fear of something Jihoon couldn’t and wouldn’t ever see.

“MOM?! MOM! PLEASE WAKE UP! WAKE UP MOM!”

He screamed and screamed till his throat was raw and tears had begun streaming down his cheeks. She never moved an inch. 

The ringing in his ears morphed into something more distinguishable to his fragile mind. An alarm. It blared in his ears. He felt hands on him, moving him onto some surface. His body screamed out in protest pain flaring up. He felt something prick him in the arm. His vision began to swim. Fading in and out, black crowded the edges of it at a rapid pace. His eyelids felt so incredibly heavy. Maybe if he just rested them for a second…

The last conscious thing he saw before he promptly passed out is a blurry face yelling at him under too bright fluorescent lights.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe ou-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you wanna yell at me over this fic here's where to find me:
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/LACutieTuan)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/LACutieTuan)


	2. Two

He woke up drenched in his own sweat and gasping for air. He could feel the cold of that autumn night still clawing at him. The metallic coppery taste of blood still on his tongue. The vivid image of her dull, lifeless eyes staring at him is all he could see. He was going to be sick.

Jihoon rushed to his bathroom making it just in time for him to heave into the toilet. The greenish yellow bile was a stark contrast to the pristine white of the toilet bowl. He heaved, again and again, emptied more bile into the toilet until there was no more liquid and he was left painfully dry heaving.

Jihoon coughed a bit spitting up the last of the bile before he flushed the toilet. His throat burned, slick with the stomach acid he wished had stayed in his stomach. His body felt far too warm. Tears pooled at the corners of his eyes; he still felt incredibly nauseous like he might start heaving again at any moment.

He rested his cheek against the rim of the toilet and just closed his eyes relishing in how the cool porcelain efficiently cooled down his on-fire skin. He allowed himself a few more moments to cool down before he moved.

When he stood up to brush his teeth, its was on unsteady legs. Jihoon swayed slightly, latching on to the side of the sink to stabilize himself. Jihoon locked eyes with himself in the mirror.

His skin was pale, far paler than it had ever been before despite the countless hours he’d spend cooped up inside. He looked like a ghost.

The bags under his eyes were getting darker and darker the more fit filled his sleep becomes. Jihoon supposed he’d have to start packing more concealer under his eyes now so that the world wouldn’t know that he’s completely fallen apart.

His large sleep shirt had fallen slightly from one shoulder revealing the large ugly scar that ran the bottom of his neck up to just below his ear. It had healed significantly in the past few months, and it looked nothing like when he had first gotten it, but it was still slightly red and angry looking.

Jihoon would just have to put some concealer on it as well, maybe even start wearing scarves, and pray that nobody would see it and question him about it. If they did end up asking, he sincerely hoped that they would believe it was just another souvenir from the accident.

He turned the faucet on watching the water run first before he dipped his head down and caught a mouthful. He swished it vigorously back and forth for a moment and then spit into the sink. His mouth still tasted acidic.

Jihoon brushed his teeth with a ridiculous amount of toothpaste hoping to finally rid his mouth of the disgusting taste of bile, and it worked just like it had all the other times.

This had become his morning routine, or rather a vicious cycle, that began when the nightmares started to get far worse.

It was always the same dream.

A dream that started out so incredible, just how Jihoon wished the real day went, and he felt so light during it almost like he could float.

Then quickly it got twisted into something dark and horrible, a heavy feeling would start to settle into Jihoon’s lungs, and he always woke up gasping.

The memories of that fateful night always haunted Jihoon regardless of if he was awake or asleep. They never went away.

Jihoon checked the clock on his nightstand the glowing red numbers informed him that it was five o’clock in the morning, which meant that he managed to wake up a whole hour earlier than yesterday.

Since there was no way that’d he could fall asleep again, he began to get ready for the day ahead of him. He started by walking back into his bathroom to swipe some concealer under his eyes and smooth down his unruly hair.

Feeling satisfied that he no longer looked quite as dead, he headed to his closet to pick out today’s outfit. Which was going to be pretty much like every other day’s outfit; an oversized sweater or hoodie, some type of jogger sweatpants, and his favorite slip on vans.

Today’s oversized sweater of choice was sunshine yellow in color and Jihoon easily slipped it over his head briefly reveling in the warmth. Paired together with black joggers and his worn to death black vans,

Jihoon thought the overall outfit made him look like a sad homeless bumblebee. It was just the look that he’d been going for.

He looked at the clock for the second time, and it seemed Jihoon had spent far too much time dawdling. It was now six o’clock meaning he had to leave for his six thirty appointment now before he was late.

It wasn’t that far from his house, merely a fifteen-minute walk but he wasn’t about to risk an earful from Wonho again not after last time.

Shrugging on one strap of his school bag, literally, he headed straight for the front door not even bothering even to stop and grab breakfast despite his rumbling stomach. He would get some food after the appointment, that is if Wonho didn’t force some awful health concoction down his throat first.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he wasn’t surprised at the lack of movement he heard coming from the whole downstairs area seeing as he was basically the only one that lived there regularly.

Jihoon hadn’t seen his dad for longer than a couple of minutes at a time in several months. His dad had practically moved out of the house and right into his studio which was located in the city. He didn’t come home to sleep ever, and the most he did when he was home was lock himself in his office or grab some new clothes.

It honestly didn’t bother him that much at all though; he’d barely seen him when she was alive why should it be any different now that she is gone.

He swung the front door open stepping out into the cool August air. It was that time of year where the shift between summer and autumn was barely starting.

Most of the leaves had yet to change from their lively green color while the real weather had changed significantly no longer holding the same warmth it used to. He could see his breath as he walked along the sidewalk, steady puffs of white clouds showing up for a couple of seconds at a time.

Thankfully the streets remained relatively empty as he made his way to Wonho’s clinic and Jihoon assumed it was because most everyone was still busy getting ready for school or work.

The waiting room in the clinic was about as deserted as the streets had been, so it wasn’t long at all before Jihoon was ushered into his designated patient room by one of the nurses.

Once all the essential routine parts of the appointment, like his weight, blood pressure, and temperature, were taken and the nurse had all his information filled out she left to fetch Wonho.

Jihoon really wasn’t looking forward to seeing his hyung today. It’d been a couple of weeks since his last appointment with Wonho and Jihoon could already hear the nagging he was going to get.

“Long time no see little Woozi!” were the first words out of Wonho’s mouth as he practically skipped into the room with a big smug smile plastered across his face.

“When are you going to stop using that awful nickname? I’m not a little kid anymore Wonho hyung. You’re going to give me a headache.” Jihoon rubbed at his temples. “Now I remember why my last few appointments were so enjoyable. They weren’t annoying.”

“Who are you trying to fool Jihoon? I know you definitely missed me.”

Wonho proceeded to have Jihoon go through all the exercises and stretching on his treatment plan while observed jotting down notes occasionally. Unsurprising Jihoon managed to fail at every single exercise before Wonho decided he’d seen enough and gently grabbed at Jihoon’s hands.

He then started pressing on the different pressure points in Jihoon’s hand, noting his hand’s reaction or rather the lack of reaction. During that portion, Wonho also managed to get a good look at the loose and dirty blood-stained bandages covering Jihoon’s hands. Jihoon yanked his hands back.

Wonho’s face contorted into a frown and Jihoon mentally braced himself as his hyung nagged him.

“It’s fine hyung honestly it is. At this point, I’m surprised your nagging hasn’t driven everyone away including your spouse.”

“Hyungwon appreciates me and my nagging, unlike a certain ungrateful someone. Besides, I wouldn’t have to nag so much if you’d actually listen to me for once. Which reminds me, have you remembered to do the additional exercises I recommended at home?”

“Yes of course I have but as you’ve just seen it hasn’t helped much. In fact, it seems like it hasn’t helped at all as I’ve made literally zero progress.”

“I keep telling you it's not going to change overnight. After all none of the broken bones, you suffered healed overnight, so the nerve damage isn’t going to either. It also doesn’t help anything if you continue with soiled bandages.” Jihoon sighed at him reluctantly holding out his arms toward Wonho.

“I know that, but I’ve still barely made any progress. It’s been months, and I can barely make a sign language ‘C’ with my hand, and I can’t even hold that shape for long.”

“That’s a lot of progress for such a short time Jihoon. If you keep doing the exercises, your flexibility should continue to improve at this pace, and then we can work on your grip strength and coordination.” Wonho once again took Jihoon’s hands into his own this time started to untie the dirty bandage wrapped around Jihoon’s left hand.

Jihoon had to resist the urge to yank his arm back as the last bit of the bandage was unraveled his rather ugly scar ridden hand fully now on full display. It wasn’t like Hoseok and all the other physical therapists and nurses at the clinic hadn’t seen his hands bare before but rather that Jihoon hated being reminded of how forever ugly and useless they were.

“The last of the cuts have finally scabbed over but the scars scattered all over my hands is probably the worst of it,” Jihoon says watching Wonho’s hands move as they work.

Wonho nodded in acknowledgment, still focused on unwrapping the bandage on his other hand. When he’d finished, he walked over to a nearby cabinet to grab some ointment and another set of bandages.

“With the ointment I’ve been applying every time we change your bandages should help with the scars. Once you regain full mobility of your hands, I’ll get you a prescription written up for some of this ointment, and if you apply it once every day, the remaining scaring should disappear in no time.”

Wonho double checked that the soft pink bandages covered every inch of Jihoon’s ointment lathered hands before he tied little bows at the base of each wrist.

Wonho looked up at Jihoon with a worried expression on his face, and Jihoon’s flight response immediately kicked in, in an attempt to avoid the awkward conversation that was sure to follow soon.

“I’m fine Wonho hyung,” Jihoon muttered.

“Don’t lie to me Jihoon, I see right through your poorly blended concealer and the baggy sweater. I thought I told you to take care of yourself not the opposite. You’ve lost nearly twenty pounds since the last time I saw you. You look like a skeleton Jihoon. Are you not eating again? I thought you were doing better? What happened?”

“I’ve just been so exhausted recently that I forget to eat sometimes.”

“How are you that tired that you forget to eat?” Wonho’s voice dropped to almost a whisper concerning lacing every word. “Are you having the nightmares again?”

“They…started a couple of weeks ago…more vivid and horrible than before though.” Jihoon’s voice mimicked Wonho’s also dropping to a whisper. He stared down at his lap afraid to meet Wonho’s eyes. “I can’t ever save her or myself.”

“Oh Jihoon, why didn’t you say something? I would have helped.”

“You were busy spending well deserved time with Hyungwon hyung, and you two haven’t seen much of each other in a while. I didn’t want to interrupt with my problems. I didn’t want to be a burden.”

“Jihoon you could never be a burden to us, you’re family. You’re our little brother. Honestly sometimes it feels like Hyungwon loves you more than me, with the way he’s always asking about you.”

“I didn’t know.” Jihoon finally looked up to meet Wonho’s gaze, and he instantly regretted it. In his hyung’s eyes, Jihoon saw all the love in warmth his hyung had for him.

It made Jihoon want to curl into himself further, but before he could Wonho surged forward and wrapped him up in a hug.

“You can always talk to us. Hyungwon and I will always be here for you no matter what like I said we’re family and family sticks together.”

“Okay.” Jihoon nodded, slowly relaxing into Wonho’s comforting hug.

“You’re coming over for dinner sometime soon okay? Hyungwon insists I ask you if you will because a certain little someone misses his uncle Jihoon and won’t stop whining about it. So, after today I pretty much demand it.” Jihoon smiled slightly as Wonho released him from his death grip to look at him with an expression that said he definitely wouldn’t take no for an answer. Jihoon laughed.

“I promise to come over really soon. Honestly, it’s been far too long since I’ve seen Hyungwon hyung and baby Changkyun. I miss them.”

Wonho allowed Jihoon only a moment of peace before he immediately launched into an entire speech about nutrition that Jihoon hears from him nearly every time he sees his hyung.

Despite that, Wonho continued to prattle on and on about how if Jihoon didn’t remember to eat properly balanced meals his body would start to shut down on him.

All the while Jihoon just mentally rolled his eyes, and let his hyung pull him along to his private office and force him to drink Wonho’s signature green juice which tasted like lawn clippings.

Jihoon expected nothing less from the oversized teddy bear.

Once Jihoon has consumed his portion of the liquified grass, Wonho urged him to get a real meal in his system before his official first day back at school. He suggested that their favorite café is perfect for a good nutritious meal and letting him know that Minhyuk was on shift so there wouldn’t be anything to worry about.

Jihoon does exactly as he was told, heading straight to the café less than two blocks away from the clinic after everything with physical therapy had come to an end. It was a place he’d been going to ever since he started high school and it had quickly turned into one of Jihoon’s favorite places.

He used to visit this place often with his friend’s afterschool whenever it was his turn to choose a hangout spot, but it was more likely for him to show up to the café alone to focus on writing lyrics or composing.

Stepping into The Little Bean Café, he was immediately enveloped by the intoxicating, earthy scent of freshly ground coffee beans and the sweet, warm aroma of freshly baked bread. Scents that are specific to only to this place and are what created the comforting air that made this little shop so unique.

“I’ll be right with you, just wait one moment please.” Minhyuk had his back to the register completely engrossed in putting the finishing touches on the previous customer’s latte.

Jihoon simply watched as his hyung decorated the latte in beautiful foam art with quick expert precision, only someone with years of barista experience could have, before he handed it off to a waiter and made his way back to the register.

“Sorry for the wait. What can I get you— Oh Woozi! Long time no see.”

The groan Jihoon released was instantaneous. “First Wonho hyung and now you! Will you guys let that nickname die please?”

“We could but where would be the fun in that?”

Jihoon wanted desperately to smack the Cheshire cat grin right off of his hyung’s face, but he knew that was the reaction Minhyuk hoped for so he refrained.

“Aren’t you supposed to take the customer’s order without harassing them?” Jihoon huffed out.

“No need when you’ve literally ordered the same thing for over three years. One large iced americano with a splash of cream and one double chocolate chip muffin coming right up.”

“Right of course. How much do I owe you?” Minhyuk waved him off.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s on me. Think it’s the least I can do for harassing my favorite customer.” He winked at Jihoon before he headed to the back counter to and began making the Americano.

Jihoon simply shook his head at his hyung’s typical nonsense. He turned away from the counter and began heading towards his usual spot in a secluded yet cozy corner of the café.

He was about halfway there when he tripped over something, stumbling a little bit before he ultimately ended up smacking right into someone else. The force of the impact sent Jihoon tumbling backward, and he landed flat on his butt.

Said victim of Jihoon’s clumsiness dropped the large bag of flour they’d been carrying, and it explodes in a lovely puff of white covering Jihoon head to toe in cake flour.

 “Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry about that, my little brother keeps leaving his toys around the shop. Are you okay?"

Rubbing the flour out of his eyes with the back of his hands, he blinked up at the person he’d just smacked ready to fire off an apology. When Jihoon opened his mouth to apologize, he coughed a couple of times instead of speaking, expelling what he was sure was definitely an unsafe amount of cake flour.

When he locked eyes with the stranger he was met with a rather unexpected site. In front of him was a fluffy black-haired boy, one hand outstretched towards Jihoon and the other covering his mouth, looking down at Jihoon with rather soft looking puppy dog eyes that seemed to be filled with…was that amusement?

Finally, the faint sound of giggling met Jihoon’s ears and any thoughts of apologizing dissipated as his face contorted into a scowl. How dare this stranger laugh at him.

“Stop laughing; it’s not even funny.” Jihoon huffed out scowl only deepening when another puff of flour leaves his mouth.

That only fueled the stranger’s amusement, and his laughter got louder clearly no longer trying to stifle or hide it with his hand.

 “I said. It’s. Not. Funny!” Jihoon bit out through clenched teeth refusing the stranger’s help in favor of saving some of his pride. He manages to stand up on his own without an immense struggle.

“I’m sorry I just can’t help it. I find it funny that someone could look so incredibly cute while covered head to toe in flour.” The boy’s laughter had ceased, his eyes moving down to meet Jihoon’s glare. “You sure you’re okay Jihoon?”

“Cheol, we need you in the back Vernon keeps burning everything!” a female voice screeched followed by the ringing of the fire alarm as smoke seeped from the bakery's kitchen.

The dark-haired boy looked at Jihoon once more before sighing and heading off towards the back leaving Jihoon alone in a whirlwind of embarrassment. That’s when Jihoon finally took note of all the other customer’s eyes fixed onto him; he could feel how red he was getting the tips of his ears practically burned. How had he known Jihoon’s name?

“Lee Jihoon?”  The loud sound of a chair suddenly scrapping across the floor caught Jihoon’s attention.

Jihoon knew who that voice belonged too, he’d heard it for so many years. He just hadn’t been prepared to hear it anytime soon.

Turning around Jihoon saw Soonyoung standing by one of the tables against the far wall, body ready to run to Jihoon but he couldn’t. Still seated to Hoshi’s right was Joshua who had one hand wrapped around holding him in place. The other spots at the table were filled by Wonwoo, Minghao, and Seungkwan respectively; their eyes fixed on Soonyoung rather than Jihoon.

“Soonyoung.” Joshua spoke up, tugging slightly on Soonyoung’s wrist. The warning was clear in his voice.

“But Shua hyung he just disappeared on us, and now he thinks he can just show up like nothing ever happened. As if we weren’t ever friends and we meant nothing to him.” Soonyoung spat hand gesturing angrily in Jihoon’s general direction.

“Soonyoung no. Not here in front of everyone. If he wanted to talk he would have come to us by now.” Wonwoo said finally chancing a glance in Jihoon’s direction before he turned his focus back on his food.

The fight in Soonyoung left instantly, and he sank back down into his chair head hung as he stared down at the table in defeat. It seemed that most of the others had also lost interest in Jihoon. Minghao had turned back around to focus on Wonwoo while Joshua attempted to have a one-sided conversation with a rather unresponsive Soonyoung. Seungkwan, on the other hand, kept his eyes trained on Jihoon’s but unlike the others he didn’t look angry or upset with Jihoon in the slightest.

Instead of the hurt or angry expression, Jihoon had been expecting, he found that Seungkwan wore the same expression he normally did when he looked at Jihoon. The warmth that usually resided in his eyes hadn’t died, but it was now accompanied by something else. He could also see the hint of sadness in his eyes.

Jihoon had always believed that worry wasn’t something that would ever look good on Seungkwan. He was right, and this time Jihoon was the cause of it.

Just like with Wonho hyung, Jihoon didn’t understand why Seungkwan looked at him like that. Why did they both look at him with so much warmth if all he’d done up until this point was hurt them? He didn’t understand it. He didn’t deserve it.

“Jihoonie hyung—”

The smile combined with the nickname was all it took for Jihoon to start panicking, he didn’t even wait for Seungkwan to finish his sentence he just moved. His flight response kicked into overdrive, and he darted out of the café completely forgetting the reason he had entered the shop in the first place.

He could feel the stares of people on the sidewalk as he passed by and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was covered head to toe in flour or because he was frantically pushing past them on the sidewalk or both.

He had to get away from Seungkwan’s warm eyes and from the upset that the rest of them displayed. He wasn’t ready to face them. He didn’t deserve to. He wasn’t ready to face anyone. Today had been a mistake; there was no way Jihoon could just go back to school like everything was okay. Like he was finally okay with everything because he wasn’t.

Somehow Jihoon thankfully ended up back on the front steps of his house, and he wasted no time rushing inside. Just like when he left the hours earlier, the house was dead silent, and he rushed back up the stairs heading straight for his bedroom.

Jihoon wanted nothing more than to just immediately curl up under the warm blankets and never leave his bed again but he knew that he’d be upset with himself in the morning if he didn’t wash the cake flour off first. With that in mind, he grabbed a set of his pajamas and headed into the bathroom for what was supposed to be a quick shower. It wasn’t anywhere near quick.

Somewhere between conditioning his hair, and rinsing it out, Jihoon completely broke down. His back hit the shower tile, and he allowed himself to slide down it until he was in a sitting position.

No matter how hard he tried not to push them out, the disappointed and hurt faces of his friends remained stuck in his mind. The tears that had been pooling in the corners of his eyes since the café incident spilled over running down his cheeks in small streams.

He wasn’t exactly sure why he was even crying. Was he crying because he’d hurt those he deemed the most precious to him? Was it because he wasn’t sure they would ever forgive him? Or was it truly because he didn’t feel anything at the thought of hurting them and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

There he sat slouched over knees drawn up to his chest letting the scorching hot water wash over his body as he stared down at the floor watching his tears mix with the water and swirl around the drain before leaving. He remained seated on the shower floor long after the hot water had turned cold only getting out when his stomach rumbled loudly reminding him he should probably eat.

Once Jihoon had finally peeled himself off the shower floor he quickly rinsed the product out and finished actually showering. Once he was all toweled off and dressed in his pajamas, he made his way back downstairs into the kitchen to hunt for something quick to eat.

Just like yesterday and the day before that, there wasn’t much in the way of ready to eat meals or any prepackaged food really because most of the stuff in the house was fresh food. The freshness meant that the food had to be actually cooked by two fully capable hands. Since Jihoon severely lacked in the functioning hand department, he decided that an apple juice box and the last box of pocky would have to suffice for now.

Grabbing his rather luxurious two-course meal, he made his way into the living room to relax and watch some tv on the couch. He moved all the pillows to one side of the couch and propped them up against the armrest before he laid down on top of them bringing the blanket that was draped across the couch’s back with him.

Jihoon stared at the television half paying attention to the movie playing as he munched on the last remnants of his pocky sticks, juice box thoroughly drained, he was felt incredibly worn out after the events of that day. Therefore, it only made sense that with the combined warmth of he felt from his self-made couch burrow and the overall tiredness he felt that he was bound to fall asleep on the couch. And fall asleep he did indeed.

When he awoke for a second time that day, it was due to the sound of someone pounding on his front door. Jihoon had no idea what time it was, but he was almost certain that Wonho, Hyungwon, and even Minhyuk were all still at work so whoever the mystery person at the door was couldn’t be any of them.

Approaching the front door, Jihoon looked through the peephole and saw an unexpected figure standing on his porch with a small bag in his hand. Jihoon’s sleep riddled brain couldn’t quite understand what was happening. Seungkwan knocked on the door one final time before he let out a long sigh.

“Hyung, I know you can hear me, but I also know that for some reason you still don’t want to see me or the others. I wish I knew the reason why. Wish I knew what I did to make you push me away. The others want to know the same thing but they’re too hurt to ask. You hurt us when you disappeared hyung, but it hurt even more when you completely refused to talk to us. Despite all that I still forgive you hyung because I know that there must be a reason. There has to be. I just really miss you hyung. I’m going to leave this on the steps for you now. Please enjoy Jihoonie hyung.” Jihoon hears Seungkwan’s retreating footsteps against the loose gravel in his driveway.

He waits a few more minutes to ensure that Seungkwan is indeed gone before he opened the door and quickly picked up the cup and accompanying red box from the porch. The logo on the red box is what caught Jihoon’s eye because it’s the Little Bean’s logo.

Why would Seungkwan have gone out of the way to pick this up from the café just for him?

In the cup was the very same drink that Jihoon had ordered earlier that day, one large iced americano with a splash of cream. The box contained two different types of the delicious pastries that the café sold, and they were Jihoon’s favorite.

 On the left side of the box sat a double chocolate chip muffin and on the right side was a chocolate cupcake with equally chocolatey frosting and a whole pile of rainbow sprinkles on top.

Seungkwan had gone so far out of his way just to bring Jihoon these treats that he one hundred percent didn’t deserve because he’d spent the last year and a half trying to forget Seungkwan’s existence.

Jihoon decided to save the treats for the following couple days considering that he would most likely vomit it up in the morning and he wasn’t too fond of that idea.

Once everything was nicely stored away in the fridge, he slowly dragged himself up the stairs into his room and slipped under the covers. He allowed himself to be dragged into another night of nightmare filled sleep; a worn red panda plushie clutched tightly to his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so that chapter took wayyy too long to finish and was significantly trashier than the first  
> i'm suprised you're actually still reading this but anyway thanks so much  
> i love my dear readerss  
>   
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